home is where one starts from

i wanna be kate

all of my growing up years if you'd ask me who i wanted to be, it was my sister katie. she's fourteen months older than me. we shared a bedroom together for half our lives. we were like twins, but opposite twins. she was bigger than me in every way except size. kt's tiny.
she's louder than me. where i was shy, she was a jabber mouth, made friends with everyone uncontrollably. where i wouldn't look at a boy i thought was cute, she would go right up to a new guy and let him know she had a crush on him. everyone liked her...you couldn't resist. she was the coolest person i knew.
when we fought, she won. she has always been good with words. i'd get tongue tied and flustered. i remember the day i realized i could win physically, so as she was leveling me with words i suddenly shoved her into the closet and walked away. but we didn't fight much--there wasn't any need.
when we were together she'd behave like a little animated monster, and i'd pretend to be annoyed. she acts ridiculous, and i make fun of it. we laugh a lot together. she brings out a side of me i rarely see.
she has this face she makes called 'the lizard face'. it completely creeps me out, and she loves it. sometimes i will look up from doing something to find her lizard face waiting right beside mine to see me jolt.
more than just being cool and delightfully strange, katie is one of those people that loves others in a dynamic and real way. she naturally counsels, asks, listens, and pushes you to be more. she's compassionate, but she's tough. she has little fear of speaking the truth. what makes me love this more about her is that i know she is always longing for change and growth in herself. she fights against herself, and she shares her battles with others pushing them to fight too. she leaves people changed.
and now she has a baby. this is a completely new kate that i am dying to know.
neither of us are baby people. our sister jamie is a baby person. she loves newborns, can walk around with them for hours. they all look the same to me. i don't know what to do when they cry. however, i spent a month with my sister amy who just had a baby girl. marlow broke me in, and i am forever changed when it comes to these tiny people. i was somewhat forced to hold her, and so i figured out how to hold her right. i fell in love with her, and started fighting people to snuggle her while she slept.
kt's like me when it comes to babies, but now she's a mom. i want to watch her hold her son mason. i want to see her knowing what to do with him. i want to know this side of her. hopefully soon she'll be visiting, and i will see this side. until then i'll look at this picture of her sleeping with her son who's already sucking his thumb.
so she's still my hero, and even more so now.
one day...her kids will be bouncing off the walls running around in circles, and my kids will sit and stare at them not knowing what to do.