i woke up with tears this morning. the be good tanyas were playing in their sweet sad way. it matched my mood so i kept them on. i remembered my dream which is rare for me. sometimes dreams are too vivid. they make things seem so real and close that it haunts you all day.
but the dream and the music weren't the main thing i was sad about. what was bothering me was what i went to bed talking with God about, and continued talking with him about each time i woke up in the middle of the night. i didn't sleep too well.
yesterday i was struck slow and hard about my self-righteousness. i'm crazy about God, and i'm crazy about his people...but i haven't always been, and i'm not always. but still, when i am, i take great joy in encouraging people, in praying for people, in touching people. but i realized how often i take the recognition for my moments of compassion and love. i want my words and actions to be all about God, but then i find myself thinking about how they reflect on me. i don't want to think i own the good things in my heart.
i need some Master hands to come in and flesh up my cementing heart. i don't want lies in it. so i'm glad i'm upset by this. it means i'm seeing. it means i'm hurting in a right way.
i had heart surgery when i was three years old. it's a fact that i spend most of my time not remembering. it sleeps at the back of my mind. but today i looked long and hard at the two beautiful scars it left on me. i wanted to remind myself that i'm dependent on God, that he was already working on my heart's life before i asked, that my heart wouldn't be beating right now if he hadn't healed it once already.
one of my scars runs across my back and the other is on my side--surrounding and holding my heart in a way. i like thinking that human hands have touched it and held it for me. that's the kind of healing i want now. i have a strong heart, and i can't claim the ownership for it's life. i don't want that strength to be self-glorifying, so i think i am due for a new surgery. i'm glad for this promise:
"i will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; i will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." (ezekiel 36:26)
i remember praying these words years ago. it was at a time when i was very aware of my stone heart. it couldn't feel anything, couldn't care about anyone. i'm thankful for it's growing sensitivity. yesterday i saw a man going through a fast food drive-thru window in his wheelchair. it was sweet and sad, and something in my heart broke for him. that's not me. that's evidence that hands have been shaping my heart. that work i can never own...so i'm saying it now to ingrain it me and give the glory to my great surgeon.
grateful to find amen in the breaking down, the surgeries, the renewing.
and so glad to be here with you, experiencing this together, though many miles apart.
much love to you today kelly.
Posted by: stephanie at October 1, 2004 01:47 PMYou have a lot of good things to say, Kelly, and it's encouraging!
This gift of empathy and compassion, it's not something that just benefits those around you. When you are kind and gentle with other people, God doesn't just bless them, He blesses you, too! That warmth you feel won't always be self righteousness (though you will be the judge of that better than anyone else). Letting God work through you leaves a residue of grace that feels good, it pleases us. As long as we don't confuse the Source, it's okay to feel good about being the person you are.
Pride is definitely a sin, and you're right to guard against it. But don't overlook the blessings and rewards that God gives to those who are obedient. I think warm fuzzies after a good deed fall under that category.
Does that make any sense?? :)
Posted by: Shannon at October 1, 2004 01:48 PMsteph. i'm glad your with me on this. it's encouraging to know.
shannon. yes, you make sense, and thank you. it's hard for me to express all the real thoughts and feelings behind things, so they tend to come out in words only partially. so this is partial. i guess my problem is that i take the warm fuzzy feelings and enjoy them, but then i end up thinking more about myself than about God. does that make sense?
Posted by: kelly at October 4, 2004 04:34 PMkelly,
somehow, i missed reading this entry earlier. i appreciate what you have written. this is such a struggle - the idea of giving authentic presence to people. i too find it (not easy - but possible) when i feel like i get something back - some sort of good feeling. i am bad at giving/loving/being present when i am tired or hurt.
in lectio you know i've been reading paul - and one thing that i can't get out of my mind is the fact that the love chapter was written by a man who was not in a romantic or even familial love-type relationship. i'm blown away by this.
and i loved the image of your scar. beautiful.
Posted by: amy at October 4, 2004 06:28 PMkel~ i really need to hear that you are crazy about God... that it is possible. its just been a long time for me and i almost question if it was ever real. love you. cant wait to see you Sat.
Posted by: kate at October 5, 2004 02:56 PMthanks amy. your entry about the pharisee prayer is what started this thinking. i didn't realize that it had affected me so much until later in the day when it wouldn't leave me alone. i'm thankful. and i'd never thought of that love chapter in terms of who paul was. thanks.
katie. it almost feels weird to say that i am, because i'm so used to saying that i want to be. but i really think i am. and i think you have been/are. you've always inspired me and made me think intimacy with Him is possible. i love you, and really/truly cannot wait to see you and mason.
Posted by: kelly at October 5, 2004 09:59 PM