home is where one starts from

because i'm stuck, i'm not stuck

when i feel stuck in myself, i remember that i'm moving.
i get tired of things quickly, but i also like to get comfortable with things and keep them. i wish i could say things and then not say the opposite thing the next minute. i mean what i say, but what i mean changes.
this morning i was thinking about how tired i am of being in process. i just want to Be. i'm the most impatient person i know, but then again, i can wait for a long time.
today the waiting was annoying me, and perhaps still is.
sometimes it's good to hear that my life is a process, that knowing God is a process. i can sigh, because i know i haven't arrived. i can enjoy the feeling of expectancy. i like doors open, unending possibilities. i like to know that i'm not stuck with the me who is right now.
but sometimes it tires me to have to deal with my processes. i get sick of the ups and the downs, the closeness of God followed by feelings of extreme distance. one day i say i am so content with the small things of life, and the next day i complain that my ache has returned and i can't sit still.
i want it all to stop, but if it stopped i'd go crazy with the stillness. i'd be miserable with who and what i was left with.
i think of my paintings and how i am more comfortable with them remaining in the process of making. i wouldn't finish most of them if it wasn't necessary. i like to know i can add paint or ink when i see something new to give a piece. i like to turn old paintings upside down and completely rethink them, remake them. i like to know their history is always growing as i add layers.
but i'll admit it does feel good to call a painting finished, give it a name, and find it a home.
i think i am in need of many more layers, because that stamp of finality sounds frightening in regards to my life. i'd rather feel stuck in being always unmade and remade. i just wish the remaking was more constant than the unmaking.
it comforts me to remember that though the process feels unending, at least i'm moving, at least the old me is not unending.
so for the time, for this time i have right now, i will take things as they come, go with life even though i feel one minute and then feel nothing the next. i will try to remember to say thanks for the people i see becoming. i will try to ask for many more to become than just myself. i'll try to walk, and then sit still. so much of it is walking and then sitting. walk and sit. do and be.
most of all, i have to remember the process is becoming like Him, because there is nothing i would rather be stuck in.