through dreams this morning i heard little girl voices and pots and pans banging around in the kitchen downstairs. i woke up to 3 faces smiling proudly over a platter of breakfast-in-bed they had prepared for me. eggs and grits and coffee. not bad. they left me to eat, and then returned to clear away my dishes. i came downstairs bundled up in blankets because our house is freezing. they were washing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. marley the oldest, quickly gave herself all the credit for their hard work. i went to climb in my mom's big bed with her. she'd been woken up with breakfast as well, and was reading. she laughed and told me her breakfast hadn't been so good. i laughed because i thought mine was as good as i ever make grits and eggs. she then began reading aloud to me from her book. at one point she started crying so hard i couldn't understand what she was saying, and then she started laughing hysterically because it wasn't a sad part. all this made me cry and laugh hysterically as well.
this is the the little family (adding in my step-dad who's at work) that blesses me every day. it's not always breakfast in bed, but it's something to value. it's my step dad heading out in his camo gear to hunt deer with a bow and arrow. it's an occasional martini he'll make me in the evenings. it's my mom getting out of the shower this morning and starting to paint the bathroom yellow only because the paint can is sitting there and she happens to be there. it's her spending mornings over pots of coffee surrounded by all her books. it's my seven year old sister carson trying to read a book about rifles because she wants to know things her dad knows. it's bailey the youngest asking me to lovey-love her, which is her way of saying: hold me, tell me you love me, stroke my hair, give me attention. it's marley now nine acting like a bossy adult to her sisters one minute, and then following me around like a puppy sucking her thumb the next minute. and this is only the smallest corner of my family, the hub.
yesterday i woke up from a deep sunday nap to an empty house. the last of my older siblings had headed home after lunch, and my parents had taken the little girls to an apple orchard. i turned on the music, warmed the coffee i'd made earlier, and went outside to sit in the sun. the dog and cats lazily joined me, the wind blew, the sun warmed my clothes, the music floated out the door to me, and i started crying good salty tears.
i miss all my family who was here. my siblings and their children arrived in a precious burst, filled the house with lovely chaos, and now they're gone to their far away places. i cried because i missed them, but more i think, because in our time together i glimpsed parts of what i am missing out on in their lives. i want to know them entirely, understand their hurts and joys entirely, and i can't. it may sound strange for me to say this because i am terrible at searching out their hearts, asking the right questions, being fully present when i'm with them.
there was an afternoon when i was sitting talking with katie and michelle, and i almost tuned out when they began discussing a problem they share that i don't understand. i realized i often tune out when things don't apply to me. so i tried to listen, because i think and say i want to understand them for them and not for me. i saw things in everyone who came, beautiful things i thank God for, and areas in their lives i can now talk with Him about for them, and ask for new life. it's easy to pray for people at a distance, but i suddenly feel more helpless and timid when i see them and their lives sitting in my family room.
thinking about my sisters and brothers made me start thinking about my friends. i have my dear friends from college to thank for expanding my concept of family. they are sisters to me, and now i'm missing them, and the other's who have become siblings in my heart as well. i want everyone all at once, all in the same place, all the time. this longing reminds me of my friend jeff. when we were younger he often told me about an imaginary island he went to in his head. he put all his favorite people there, living together in perfect community. this escape to a place with our dear people...i guess we will have to wait for it.
so really in the sun i was crying for all these people, all this God, all this i want all right now. sometimes people make me sad because i can see them and touch them but not fully know them, fully have them. i hope this longing to have my heart meshed with their's means Christ is pulling us toward true unity that's possible in Him...maybe one day.
so today i'm happy, and actually glad for a little space to breath in this house, and thinking about this great big family that's continually expanding in all directions. and because i'm feeling sentimental i have to mention moments i'm treasuring in my mind from this past week:
- michelle and katie arriving on their plane together, both baby giddy over mason
- laughing with tears all too often with my twin lica
- amy wanting badly to drive the golf cart around
- michelle singing old songs on the couch with grandma
- amy and i stringing christmas lights around the table on the porch outside
- mason looking like a perfect reflection of his dad ryan
- marlow's big eyes staring at me from the pouch i carried her around in
- the kids putting the tv under the dining room table to watch movies in a space that was out of the way
- the kids pulling each other through the grass in a sled
- everyone catching up on the Lost episodes amy taped for us
- jamie wearing her huge sun glasses, spending her one precious day home cutting everyone's hair
- watching the double feature of shark tale and shrek 2 at the drive-in-theater with two cars full of kids
there are too many more to think of and mention, but they're saved in my head. i have pictures too, but i haven't taken the time to download them and go through them.
I am moving to NC because I must go to a drive in theater. How cool is that!
I know what you mean about wanting to put everyone that you love and care about in one place. I feel the same way.
It sounds like everyone had a great time together, I long to be around some lovely people.
Your family sounds truly wonderful. It helps me understand how at your young age you are so insightful, wise, compassionate and just plain lovely! I hope I have the privilege of meeting you face to face some day :-)
I agree with Carla about the drive in theater. I love going to the drive in. Ours closed weeks ago. We had our first snow flurries this weekend. Ugh!
Posted by: Deb at October 18, 2004 02:19 PMhi gorgeous! while reading your daily choice of words here at work, you made me start crying. remembering all the beautiful memories we once made. it was wonderful seeing you, amy, joseph, grant and lovely baby marlow! we have to get together to have coffee and just chat! i will be going to grandma's a lot more often, now that she lives only 40 minutes from me. hopefully we can get together! now that we live so close, it seems we see each other less. i've got to get back to work before someone see's i'm not doing anything. give my love to aunt barb and a kiss to each of the girls.
much love and prayers,
steph
Posted by: Steph~ at October 18, 2004 04:24 PMcarla. the drive in is one of the greatest experiences in the world. this was actually only my second time, and aside from being freezing cold for the first movie, it was lovely.
deb. face to face would be wonderful. and thank you for all your words.
stephanie. we will have to get coffee sometime soon. and yes, the grandparent's house is a good meeting spot. thanks for this note. i miss you and will make it a priority to hang out with you in the very near future...sometimes it's harder when you live closer, because you forget to make it a priority.
Posted by: kelly at October 18, 2004 06:42 PMI almost cried good salty tears myself reading what you posted. I can only say I have to agree with you entirely; I wish I could know the deepest joys and fears of my sisters' hearts. I think this little family vacation was incredible: I learned things about my newly married sister and the new moms that I had never learned before. I got to practice my baby holding and diaper changing skills (with your supervision), and I also got to review my American cooking abilities (I still stink). I treasured our times together, and I love the fact that you and I are holding the nunnery together. It is a running establishment, and it will continue to be our sacred and special place. It is our space; it is what we both share, and it's something that has made our friendship stronger. I love how we can anguish over our desire to get married knowing that we are not yet mature enough to take on that task...I love our ability to pretend Marlow and Mason are our kids. And, yes we need to be neighbors at one point in our lives. I am happy to know that you are enjoying your space, and the quietness of an empty house. Keep on sharing on your blog; you know it is a place of comfort and inspiration to many of us, and please keep on painting; your art always brings a smile to my face and a deep sense of admiration. I love you for who you are, and for the person I can be when I am with you. You are one of the very few people that truly gets me, and I hide nothing from you. May God continue to bless you and keep you safe and sane. I love you and miss you. Sorry about the house being cold....snuggle, snuggle, hehehehe. Today from the sunshine state, tomorrow.....we will see. The Brown One.
Posted by: Lica at October 18, 2004 07:41 PMi loved reading this kelly. thank you for sharing these memories.
Posted by: amy at October 18, 2004 08:49 PMKell, reading and seeing all the pics on yours and michelles sites made me well up insde, making me miss my family, and all the times our families were togther. I miss all that soo much... Thanks for sharing your memories with us. Just reading made me sad to miss you all this week!
Posted by: Melissa at October 19, 2004 12:41 AMkelly, i love hearing about your family--and i totally agree about getting glimpses of what you are missing when you spend time with them....my closest sibling is 7 hours away and while we all keep in touch i miss the little everyday things about their lives. thanks for sharing your family with us!
Posted by: anna at October 19, 2004 02:55 AMseeing michelle's pictures and reading your words takes me there. thank you for making me a part of something wonderful.
and i love your grey tights. i have some like that, too, but it's never really cold enough here to get to wear them.
Posted by: steph at October 19, 2004 11:56 AMlica. thanks for everything you said. it was a huge blessing to have you here this time (much more than you know). i'm with you on the no-cooking skills, and you know you don't need my supervision with babies. you're quite skilled on your own. thanks for all your encouragement--you seem to give it when i'm needing it most. i haven't forgotten my promise to make postcards. love you tons...(oh yeah, and i would say your membership to the nunnery is sounding shaky these days)
amy. thank you, and i'm glad to.
melissa. i'm going to be in winston tomorrow afternoon for a little while. call me if you could possibly get together. or saturday? or sunday afternoon?
steph. thank you. the words are harder for me than pictures, but i can't download the pictures i took right now. and yes, tights are too wonderful. i need more colors.
Posted by: kelly at October 19, 2004 05:39 PManna. somehow i accidentally missed responding to your comment earlier. thank you. and yes, it's hard to not be everywhere all at once, knowing everything about the people you love.
Posted by: kelly at October 19, 2004 10:12 PMOh dearling, feeling bad and sort of crazy today. i guess it was a bad day to read about a man who kindly married a girl in a sanitarium he fell in love with. i began to feel she was me. somehow reading this has restored me to myself and my place in this crazy world. once again i see how i belong...how i've been saved.
michelle, you know i feel it all to often as well. we are reminders for each other when things seems so weird and out of place...prayers for you now as i head upstairs to go to sleep.
Posted by: kelly at October 21, 2004 12:31 AMKelly.... doesnt your family go to Reynolda? If so what time? What are you doing in town on sat? Id love to TRY and see you if I can. We have one car and gas money is tight right now, but Im gonna ask Patrick if we can try and meet up. It would be so great to see each other again sometime soon. Whats your number anyways? Love you, email me.. and ill tell you mine!
Posted by: Melissa at October 21, 2004 01:35 AMKell, I haven't read your blog for awile. You never cease to amaze me. Why not try your hand at a book? I'm serious. G'a
Posted by: G'ma at November 1, 2004 04:46 PM