home is where one starts from

rest

my mother and i held our first silent prayer retreat this saturday. it's a busy time of year, but we decided to go ahead and plan it. it's also getting cold out, and aside from our fields, all the space we have to offer is the coziness of our little farmhouse. and though we didn't know if anyone would sign up, we put it on the calender at our church. we both felt confident it was an act of obedience to offer this retreat. it seemed God wanted a day. so we were expectant, but a little intimidated because we had no idea how it would turn out. we are not retreat leaders. we are simply 2 people learning the importance of resting in God who feel compelled to offer others a place to rest.

the evening before as i was madly vacuuming the floors, i didn't feel in the mood to help with a retreat the next day. i felt inadequate, and distracted from resting in God myself. but i tried to remind myself that it was God's day, it was up to him to show up and make something worthwhile happen (which of course, is not the point)...but still i was doubtful.

so i walked outside to clean out the vacuum cleaner, and found marley under her umbrella staring up at the sky. the evening had taken on a momentary brilliance with the sunset. through the gray, rainy clouds the sun blasted and revealed the most incredible rainbow i've ever seen. it was so bright and solid, it looked like you could walk on it. and more amazing than it's presence, was that we could see where both ends touched our property. we actually saw through the trees and grass to where the rainbow hit the ground. so i laughed. and i took pictures, but only after the sun had dimmed and the rainbow was fading. it was only meant for a moment.

when the rainbow was gone, my mother and i went back to our preparations joyfully. it was a gift, a reminder that it was God's retreat, and even in leading it we could rest in him.
and that is what we did.

after all, contemplative (silent) prayer, has everything to do with simply being a gift to God. it blesses the giver, but it's meant for God's enjoyment. it involves sitting in silence, and just being with God, letting that be enough. it is not intended for praying in words. it is not meant for receiving some great spiritual insight. it is about resting in God as an act of love.
the most helpful illustration i've heard compares a nursing child to a weaned child. a baby that is still nursing is held by the mother mostly to receive from her, but a weaned child will go and sit with their mother simply for the enjoyment of being in her arms. this is what our saturday was intended for, resting in God's arms.

it's hard to give up a day to rest. it feels wasteful. it's hard to not expect to get anything out of it. we want every moment to be productive. we measure our importance by the things we do. we are always doing. it's uncomfortable to stop because then we have to face ourselves outside of our work.
but really, in order to offer ourselves fully to any work, we must be Someone. i think that's why God gave us a sabbath day. work for 6 days, and enjoy resting in him on the 7th. the beautiful thing is that in giving God moments of rest, we will be changed. we will start to take on a presence, his presence.
we were talking about this saturday and one of the women brought up how God described himself by saying, "I AM". not "I Do...", but simply "I AM". he exists and his existence is enough because of who he is. i want to be like him.

so there were six of us on saturday. it was exactly the right number. we split the day up between meeting to share, and spending time alone with God. it didn't feel refined or perfect as far as retreats go, but it did feel warm. God did show up, and we all left changed. you can't sit in God's presence and remain the same.