February 15, 2005
something more than dream
my sophomore year of college i went to a school counselor to talk about my anxiety. it was all over the place. during one meeting she asked me to describe how my dreams felt, and i told her they were out of control. everything moved too fast. they were a chaos i could hardly remember in the morning. during the time (and for a long time afterwards) my dreams were mostly about animals. common dreams were either plagued with packs of unruly dogs i was supposed to keep track of, or angry mother squirrels that chased me. the most frightening and most frequent dreams were of bears and lions. i am irrationally afraid of these two animals when awake, so in my sleep they absolutely terrified me. they chased me and my family and friends while i tried unsuccessfully to keep myself and everyone else safe from them. i remember waking up screaming from a similar dream involving an alligator when i was a small child.
my dreams for the most part have been a great disappointment to my life. i always wished to have great prophetic, future-revealing dreams. or if not that, at least interesting dreams with actual plots to dissect and read into in the morning. or if not that, i would at least like to remember my dumb animal dreams more often. i hardly ever remember my dreams.
lately, however, i've been remembering them often, and i've actually been having dreams about people. this must be a good thing, a step up, i think.
my favorite, i hesitate to tell because i can't very well, and there is no more rotten feeling than not being able to express something meaningful. but since i'm used to the feeling, i'll say what i can of it.
i woke up one morning this past week with the best dream feeling i've ever had. it stayed with me all day, and it's still with me. dream feelings don't usually last that long, and i usually don't want them to.
in my dream i was pregnant (i can't explain this and refuse to take it literally), and i was alone. i didn't know anyone, and i didn't have anyone to know. but i was okay. i mean, not entirely at ease, but fine. and aside from my aloneness, i was all joy, excitement, and anticipation. those are really good feelings.
then there came along someone who took my hand and led me away from being alone. and then all my unease was gone, and i felt safe. more safe than i've ever felt. i never realized how much i crave safety.
so that's it, a dream about expecting something great and beautiful, while being so safe and warm at the same time. when the two come together, there must be something of God present. it's how i imagine he must feel.
i have been having annoying dreams lately, where i wake up thinking, "but will this feeling only ever exist in a dream?" ugh.
i really love this picture kelly - thanks for sharing it. i think i'll be back to look at it again later today.
I love this drawing Kelly. Absolutely beautiful. Is it actual size?
Posted by: katiek at February 15, 2005 03:16 PMwow. this is so beautiful.
Posted by: amy at February 15, 2005 10:32 PMsteph. i know about those dreams too...and if i'm being truly honest about the dream in this post, i had that a similar thought about it, but at least the thought didn't last long.
kt. thank you. it's bigger than on the screen, but i don't know how big your screen is...so guessing (since i hate to measure) it's 5"x7", or somewhere in the small but not too small catagory.
amy. thanks much.
Posted by: kelly at February 15, 2005 11:52 PMI was referred here by Michael's blog as he had a whole post devoted to you that I read and it was just such a sweet post and honest that it touched me that the two of you have created such a close bond, and he was correct that your art work is rather quite nice to look at and expresses a lot of talent in a person who does art. It does seem to be the case that dreams are quite unusual but also quite familiar and sometimes say things and sometimes it comes to pass that they do not mean much other than a piece of undigested porriage, as they say, but this is something that one even often forgets and then what was that point?
Posted by: Orchard P Dirk at February 16, 2005 07:10 PMorchard. thanks for the comment, though a little confusing...but i guess that was the point, talking about dreams and all.
Posted by: kelly at February 16, 2005 11:20 PMpreg·nant adj.
1.Carrying developing offspring within the body.
a. Weighty or significant; full of meaning: a conversation occasionally punctuated by pregnant pauses.
b. Of great or potentially great import, implication, or moment: “It was a politically pregnant time in Poland” (New York).
3. Filled or fraught; replete: “This was, from the Party's point of view, both deplorable in itself and pregnant with danger for the future” (Robert Conquest).
4. Having a profusion of ideas; creative or inventive.
5. Producing results; fruitful: a pregnant decision.
Posted by: thicket dweller at February 17, 2005 03:40 PMkelly! i keep seeing a girl around campus with deep hot early 90's pink hair and it looks really cool! atleast i love it! everytime i see her i think of you since i read that you wanted to dye your hair pink this year. i think you should definitly do it! i can't wait to see it!
Posted by: katherine at February 17, 2005 10:54 PMkat. man, you are tempting me. maybe you and james should come visit, and dye it for me. i feel it should come with a change...when i move maybe.
thicket dweller. thank you so much for the definitions. they are really beautiful all together, and if i could claim any for my life right now, i'd be glad...well, all but the first one.
Posted by: kelly at February 18, 2005 12:10 AMHow do I get my hands on a drawing like that. Specifically by YOU!
Posted by: Sember at February 18, 2005 01:35 PMkelly i like your paintings but i also like this drawings i wish i could draw like you
Posted by: bailey at February 18, 2005 03:24 PM