home is where one starts from

a day

i only wanted to make pictures with my pens and listen to new music today. i could tell after waking i was going to be somewhere else in my head all day. but i went to the hospital because that's what i do on wednesdays. and i was hoping i would do something meaningful for someone, because i don't feel like i've been doing much of that lately.
when i rode the elevator up to floor 9, and a lady spoke to me, and i had trouble forming an unawkward smile, i knew for sure i wasn't much in the mood for interacting. my day of the week to be around people, and i wanted mostly to be let alone.
so i got to my floor and looked down the list and saw my favorite little girl was back earlier than expected. there's always a mixture of excitement and sadness when the kids i know are in. so i went to her room and we made envelopes out of magazine pictures. soon she started feeling cold so i turned up the heat past 75. and then she had the chills and we got out the blankets and quit making things. i spent the next couple hours watching full house and family matters with her. the more i spend time with her, the less productive it becomes. i think we like each other's company. and that's all i did at the hospital. all the other kids were too sick or tired or doing school work. and i had two hours before i could leave.
i should have waited to go back to rooms and check on kids, but i wanted very much to go down to my favorite lobby. it's a huge room, but snug because of the way the chairs are arranged in groups. it's kind of dark down there in a way that makes it always feels like it's raining outside. the gift shop and main information desk are there, so there are lots of people passing through. and the ceiling is maroon but in one section there are a few white paint marks on it. it looks like someone painted a few messy strokes with a roller brush, and then decided it was the wrong color. the ceiling has been that way ever since i noticed, and i now make sure to notice it and smile. i love to sit in that room. so i packed my art things up and headed down the elevator. and i sat and read and laughed to my book. and then i thought: i can't believe i came all the way in to town today just to watch tv and read in a hospital lobby. but i really didn't care. i liked it.
i'm starting to think that things in life matter a lot, and at the same time not much at all...so really, i don't feel guilty to have days like this.