one thing i treasure about being with my grandparents is their constant story telling. they have a story attached to every little thing encountered throughout a day. they are always telling their story. and the interesting thing is that the telling is not always directed just at me, their guest. they tell it to each other. and together they have the perfect memory (though they often fight over details). my grandmother will ask my grandfather the name of the restaurant they ate at 20 years ago when they were in kansas, and an hour later he'll look up from his book and yell it across the room to her. they never let the details go. they always eventually remember them.
last night grandma couldn't find the word she was looking for and joked that she may have alzheimer's. if that's the case, i must have it as well. i already worry about the alzheimer's years i am bound to face as an old woman. my memory is far from a strength. as soon as a person has introduced them self to me, i've forgotten their name. maybe i don't listen. so i should say my memory is more selective than absolutely wretched. i remember the things that make me listen, and only those things.
however, the more i write things down (naturally) the better i remember them. in fact, if i write something down, somehow it becomes more true to me. and the more i listen to music, the more i remember because my memories attach to sounds. words and music together= lots of memories. but more than those, i'm finding that the more i paint and draw, the better i remember. when i draw, everything around me climbs into the ink and stays on the page. i'll look at a drawing weeks later and find the memories of the day it was drawn all coming out at me. also, as i draw, my memories seem to climb out of me onto the pages. i don't notice it as i'm creating, but when i step back and look, i see my life. i think memories remain more deeply in me than i credit myself.
i told God some while ago that i was choosing to forget some things to him. good and bad--trusting, letting go, forgetting to him. forgetting is easy. i'm good at it, but in reality, it's not possible to truly forget. so instead, i'm deciding to be strong and remember. i want to love my story. i want to constantly tell it.
It's interesting you mention memory recollection in your drawings. I draw often during class and when I go back and look at the drawing I remember things about the lecture just by looking at the drawing. Sometimes it's more effecient than taking notes but rarely.
I like your weblog by the way!
- jr
Posted by: jeremy at February 28, 2005 11:25 PMi do the instantly forgetting names thing as well. a terrible affliction when working with kids...
other things i remember very well. my friend in texas calls me her memory bank. four days ago i emailed to ask her which boyfriend she was dating seven years ago, because i was sketchy on that detail from one afternoon when i drove to tucson with another friend to see her, and we had a conversation about the ben folds five song "brick." i suggested "stephen." she said "i don't remember anything about tucson or brick, but it was probably stephen."
Posted by: steph at March 1, 2005 12:16 PMI really like the line: " i want to love my story." That is so much more difficult than it sounds.
Posted by: amber at March 1, 2005 02:51 PMjeremy. thanks. i did the same thing in class, except i usually ended up paying more attention to drawing than to listening, and then there was nothing in my head from the lectures to remember. but, when i can listen and draw at the same time, i remember.
steph. yeah, i don't remember details like that...until people remind me of them. i need people to help me with my memories.
amber. it is harder than it sounds. it's easy for me to love other's stories--the beautiful, sad, terrible... the whole of their life. but, with my own i tend to want to make the bad vanish. so i'm trying to be honest with myself and not shut out the hard. i want my complete story.
Posted by: kelly at March 1, 2005 07:52 PMi cannot help but think of you as i watch the study of the song of solomon...hehehehe i have my lap top on my tummy as usual. i miss you kell, and more than ever i wish you were here. my song for the week, and since my sudden and definitive return to the nunnery's CEO post, "24" by Switchfoot. Look it up; it really fits me now. give the gparents a huge hug. i miss you. the brown one :)
Posted by: Lica at March 2, 2005 12:19 AMYou write with humor, but also leave me with something to think about. I love the word pictures you create about your family, and this scene from your grandparents' lives made me grin. My parents were like that. My dad lost his friend and mate of 58 years a few months ago and life is very different now. What colorful memories he has, though!
You are right to cling to your own life story. Remember the details. They'll warm you all your life. Your photos capture so much, as well. I love your blog! ~Bonnie~
Posted by: Bonnie at March 2, 2005 02:31 PMlica. i can't say i'm sad to miss it, but i do enjoy the mental image of you laughing your head off. i'm glad your taking over your position as ceo because i don't care to run things...though i must say, i've been a better nun than you lately. you'll have to work on it. i miss you too, but most likely i'll see you in the near future for your graduation.
bonnie. thank you. i'm sorry for your dad. i can't imagine my grandparents seperate from each other. i'm trying to think of the best way to keep their memories...maybe a tape recorder.
Posted by: kelly at March 2, 2005 10:36 PMI am a lot like you in the fact that I tend to marvel at others life, and forget to appreciate and love my very own. And I know it is because in order to love our own lives we do have to embrace every bit of it....the good and the bad. When I get bogged down with "the bad", I remember Job in the Bible, and how it is our trials and tribulations that mold us into the wonderful, beautiful, wise persons that we are. The downs are when we are humbly directed and lead by the Lord to paint that picture that may not seem so pretty at first, but as it unfolds it is beautiful.
Posted by: Amanda at March 3, 2005 09:55 AMamanda. thanks for your comment. i'm getting better with time at loving my own story. there was a time...i think my last year of high school, that i actually prayed for God not to ease up on me with the trials because i was so afraid of becoming apathetic...and i wanted to grow. so now i don't really wish hard things upon myself, but i know they are inevitable, and i can see the good in them a little more easily.
Posted by: kelly at March 3, 2005 08:20 PMLoving one's story...so very important. I'm just beginning to realize that. For so long I too wanted to forget things. I felt like I wasn't doing something right because I couldn't forget. I've now learned that it's not about forgetting...it's about healing (at least for me). I still remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, the pain associated with the bad and the ugly is lessening. And, I'm feeling much better about who I am. I'm beginning to "love my story". That's a good thing...a very good thing.
Posted by: Deb at March 7, 2005 01:13 PMdeb. i think you are very right about the healing instead of forgetting. forgetting, i think, is very damaging. and i'm glad you're starting to love your story.
Posted by: kelly at March 8, 2005 11:29 AM